Discouraged, Not Out!

Discouraged, not out!

start of my PTSD
My goal for these next few posts, or how ever many it may take me, is to work through my issues. To relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence. That they will find the courage to do that same and remove their veiled mask of PTSD! #BreakTheStigma
Some may find the following to be graphic or triggering to read. I am being honest and open!
The purpose of this blog was to put my experiences out there! Write them down, and share them with the world. I had not made any backups or copies. I would write it, hit publish and forget. Yet, two nights ago while my site was migrating to a new dedicated server, I lost five posts! Five posts, gone, forgotten, no backups. I felt so discouraged and down.
I wanted to give up!

Anger Rising!

My first reactions were, what the fuck happened? How did it happen, why? I contacted someone from support who assured me they could fix it. At first all that had happened was the sit went down and said new site coming soon. He explained the issue with the migrating, all he had to do was change a setting and it would be fine. As he said it may take a few hours, and it being 2am, I went to bed.
When I awoke at 8am, it was still down. I could feel myself getting very angry! Wanted to yell at someone, something. Needed to release this pissed off feeling I was having towards that tech guy. He lied to me, he fucking lied to me! That is all I kept thinking, over and over. I knew the next thing would set me off. Here comes my son, jumping around yelling, going to wake the baby!
Took a deep deep breath, told myself my son was not responsible for my anger. Had to walk away, I made him breakfast, told him I wasn’t ready to talk yet. He knows what that means, he was quiet and ate, while I snuck off to my office in the basement.
The anger was rising!

Calm Down

I sat at my desk, looked up info to see if I could fix it myself, rather than deal with support again. Everything said contact support, only your server admin can fix it.
I was going to have to contact support after all. But first, I need to calm down.
I started by surfing mixer and watching some streams, you know, escape the situation. It worked for a short time. Soon I was dwelling on it again, anger rising. I decided to dive head in to cleaning my office, new shelf needed to be set up.
I find tedious tasks like this calming, and rewarding. It may be the sense of accomplishment I get upon finishing. But, by the end of it, two hours later, I was ready to contact support. I was calm and ready!

Support, right?

I got out the phone, and I called support. Was able to request a call back, that way I could still do work on calming down. About 30 minutes later they called. Explained what happened, he looked at it, and within 20 minutes the site was back up! I was so ecstatic, my site was back. My memories were there, I could relive them.
Only after thanking him and letting him go did all my anger disappear. I was so tired and drained now.
My high was not a low!
I decided as my wife and baby were waking up, I would make a breakfast for everyone. Bacon, eggs, and toast with jam. Was a great breakfast, helped bring me back to level, and I felt great.
Then I went to post the days blog.
This is where the discouraged feeling returned stronger!

Discouraged, Not Out!

As I said above, my whole reason behind these are to release them from my head and put them down in writing. Share them to the world, to make them real. I had been doing this for years, but throwing them away, or burn them.
I went into this with the same mentality. But, as they went on, I found myself rereading them each day. Working through them, almost coming to terms. More so, terms with what I did with regards to lying to myself and others.
Now, that they were gone. I felt defeated, down and discouraged! Ready to throw in the towel, give up and go back to the mask. But, after reading some DMs, and comments from people about what I was doing. I seen it wasn’t helping only me, but others. That was my other goal as well. It was working.
I may be down, and discouraged. But I am not out!
Promise, I am continuing on, and I am adding more. Found even writing the events of this day, makes me see it in a different light, and understand better what I did right. I may do some daily blogs working with my CTB, Cognitive Thought Behavior, work sheets.
Thank you all for your support!
The End For Now..
This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question.
Peace and Love 
- MysticMike 
"Living with PTSD, Not Suffering"


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