When PTSD plants it seed!

My goal for these next few posts, or however many it may take me, is to hopefully work through my issues! I hope to relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence and that they will find the courage to do that same! #BreakTheStigma

The next few days were nothing to write home about. Our platoon WO was fresh from being an instructor at the Basic Training facility, oddly enough he was a Sgt on my basic course. However, with this came the tendencies of an instructor, he would have us form up for roll call each morning, march us over to our meals etc. The older guys in the ranks were not happy. This only went on for two days before they took him aside and had a talk. Then came the call for orders and I was among first of our group to be sent out!

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

Living with PTSD

MSG Here I Come!

Another soldier and I were tasked as vehicle security for a convoy heading out to scout a new location. I remember packing my gear, was told to pack for 4 days but to expect 7. Then we racked out and woke up late into the evening to head to the airfield. I remember going through the security there, getting a quick run-down of what to expect when we load up and take off. They had us on a Blackhawk heading out close to midnight once the all clear was given of little radio chatter.
Under Fire!
After loading up, getting the run down on the 5-point harness and how to get out quickly if needs be, we were up in the air. We had headsets on so we could communicate with the door gunners and pilots. I remember just looking out the window, heart racing and thinking DAMN, this place is beautiful! Then came the voice on the radio, shots incoming evasive maneuvers, gunners take action. Talk about your ass puckering like there’s no tomorrow! Picture it, your strapped in, about 80-100 feet up in the air, maybe more I honestly didn’t take the time to measure, and you’re told someone is shooting at you. Guess what, you can’t shoot back. You just have to sit there while the door gunners do their thing and wait it out. A fire fight might sound like a scary thing, but at least on the ground you can shoot back, and control some of the situation. Up there, we were at the whim of the pilots, and gunners, and although they are the best at what they do, I was freaking a bit. After what felt like forever, believe it was maybe 5 minutes tops if I heard correctly during the debrief, we were back to normal flying and soon touching down at MSG, a FOB near some mountains and a major junction. We disembarked from the helo, and met our contacts for our tasking. They took us to out quarters, introduced us to the others, and told us to get some sleep because we were leaving in 5 hours. Living with PTSD
Incoming Rockets!
I remember lying on the ever so comfortable military issue cot, out cold, snoring most likely, when suddenly there was a loud BANG, silence, BANG then gun fire and a few tank rounds being fired. Opening my eyes I was lying on the floor under the cot next to me with the soldier looking down at me laughing. LAUGHING, like this was just a normal prank play on me or something. Turned out the one of the rockets had air burst only 100 meters away, and the other had harmlessly made contact in the open landing area with no one in sight of it. To me, this was another What The F*CK moment for me. Here I was again sitting in a bunker awaiting the all clear on the radio. Meanwhile vehicles are spooling up, every so often you hear a shot from the outposts. Sick to my stomach, just thinking, why why am I here!? All the while, shooting the sh!t with the others, acting the tough guy. No big deal, I was okay, no one was hurt, maybe just my pride a little. But the reality is, I can’t stand fireworks, large bangs, or hell, any loud noises. This was just the beginning of this tasking. What else could happen..
Next Part Is Hard!
The next events are very hard for me to talk about. Only a few people have actually been told the full story. But I just am not ready to go there tonight. I will try to write it down, type it up, and see what happens. But I want to get it out. But now I have to end. My heart is racing, my head is spinning, and I need to go to my safe place and put all of this in to my mental safe! It sounds silly I know, but we will get there.
The End For Now..
I don’t know what else to say right now, other than to remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! This is where I am going to stop for now. It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question. Peace and Love MysticMike “Living with PTSD, Not Suffering”

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