Living With PTSD – Am I Ready?

Living with PTSD
By this time in tour I was ready to go home!

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

start of my PTSD
My goal for these next few posts, or however many it may take me, is to work through my issues. To relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence. That they will find the courage to do that same and remove their veiled mask of PTSD! #BreakTheStigma
 
Some may find the following to be graphic or triggering to read. I am being honest and open!
 
Recently I was contacted by my case manager through Veterans Affairs, was asked if I thought I was ready to return to the workforce, or possibly attend school. I told her I was doing better on my new medication, that my son was now living with us and it has made a huge positive impact. What I failed to tell her was no, I am not ready! With everyone being forced to self quarantine, to me it is just a normal day, except my son is home from school. But for me, I do it to avoid people! I am afraid of what is outside!
I am not ready!
 

Trying

I like to think I am heading in the right direction. Some of my reactions are not based on the actual action, but on something from my past that is triggered. I just don’t care sometimes. The anger and heightened sense of not knowing what is going to happen next, is addictive. But, I had the coming down, the low, the feeling of nothing but shame and guilt. I am trying to not let myself indulge in those terrible desires. Trying to look the other way and not dwell on the situation. It is hard!
 

Want or Need

My mind is so fuddled at times in what I may want or need. I need to get better, I need to get help, I need to stop hurting those around me. I of course want all of these things as well, I would be lying if I said otherwise. But, I also want to further my education and make something of myself again. I know I should wait til I am ready, and not rush things. But the stigma sets in and the fear to say anything other than I am ok, feels like the only way. But I am not ok! I am not ok! NOT OK!!!

I Will Be OK

Although I know I am not ok, I am ok with that. I am not ok with me giving in to the stigma when someone who can help me asks how I am. This is something I need to work on everyday. I lie to myself and to them when I do this, and that kills me inside each time. I don’t want to be pushed, but I just need acknowledgement that I am heard. Don’t ask me why I am not ok, just know I am not ok. I will talk when I am ready, or sometimes when I am impaired. But the later is very very far and few. But know,

I WILL be OK!

 
The End For Now..
This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question.
- MysticMike 

"Living with PTSD, Not Suffering"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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