Living With PTSD – Redemption Perhaps?

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

start of my PTSD
My goal for these next few posts, or how ever many it may take me, is to work through my issues. To relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence. That they will find the courage to do that same and remove their veiled mask of PTSD! #BreakTheStigma
 
Some may find the following to be graphic or triggering to read. I am being honest and open!
 
The next few days were uneventful. We would wake up, go do some errands for the QM, have lunch and then usually hang out in the gaming trailer. They had a neat little LAN gaming setup, nothing fancy, but enough for where we were. The next few days, yet uneventful, had kept me awake at night.
The days felt so long to me during that time.
 

Sleepless in Afghanistan

I can tell you Tom Hanks was not there, nor was, what’s her name. But, I can tell you, I was not sleeping well at all. I would close my eyes and see that kid’s face. Both alive, and dead with blood and brains everywhere. It would make me sick to my stomach. I wanted to sleep, to forget what had happened. No matter how many times I lied to people and myself about my involvement in that shooting the dreams seemed to intensify. As much as I would have liked things to be a blur, they remained crystal clear for years.
 
It would be a long few weeks of sleepless nights in Afghanistan.
 

Finding Redemption

About a week or so after returning from that first task, I was to undertake another for the rest the tour. I was to be attached to a construction detail as security for them. Their job was to help train, and at the same time rebuild roads, and re-enforce potential IED sites. I thought this was kind of awesome. Like this is why I got into the military, to help people, not only kill them.
 
                                                                                                                    Part of me thought this too could redeem my soul somehow?
 
Could I find my redemption?
The next few months would tell.
 

Am I Dreaming?

Even to this day I can still close my eyes and see that child’s face. Those piercing dark eyes staring through me. I often can not even begin to rest my head and close my eyes at night without some sort of background noise. A random tv show I’ve seen over a hundred times, an audio book, or even some meditation music. Mix that with a combination of CBD and THC oils, and I can most nights now get a better sleep.
 
Even if it is only for 3 to 4 hours. But, naps are a wonderful thing when you have a baby. With her on my chest, my naps are so peaceful. I forget all my worries when I can feel her heartbeat close to mine.
 

I Hate Myself Today!

Most nights I have that same dream, pull the trigger, hear the bangs, the thudding of the bullets hitting their target. The body falling, as one last round hits the skull and the back top of the head explodes. He falls hands crossed on his chest, as he lands on his back, eyes staring in my direction.
 
And most times I see the same face! Sometimes I see another! Sometimes I see another!
 
The shame and guilt is real!
I hate myself those days!
 
The End For Now..
This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question.
Peace and Love 
- MysticMike 
"Living with PTSD, Not Suffering"

 

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