Living With PTSD – Timings Are Everything!

Ptsd and life - Ptsd can have a bad effect and can destroy lifes

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

start of my PTSD
My goal for these next few posts, or however many it may take me, is to work through my issues. To relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence. That they will find the courage to do that same and remove their veiled mask of PTSD! #BreakTheStigma
 
Some may find the following to be graphic or triggering to read. I am being honest and open!
 
The first thing they drill into you is being on time. Now, that doesn’t mean if the timing is 1600, you show up at 1600. No! It means if the timing is 1600, you show up at 1545! Being on time saves lives! Also, being late on course meant a lot of belt-fed cock, or in layman terms, discipline military style. Push-ups, running, anything that would make us hate life long enough to remember,
DON’T BE LATE!!!!
 

Add a dash of PTSD

Now, when you go a huge chunk of your life being on time, military time, for everything. You start to carry that over into the civilian world. When someone tells me they will be ready for a certain time, they damn well be ready 15 minutes prior to that. Sometimes I show up 30 minutes early to make sure I am 15 minutes early. I like to think others would think not just their time is important, but that mine is equally. Is it too much to ask to be on time, or live up to your word? 
 
So when you have that, and you add in PTSD, don’t wonder why I am angry, or looking like I am ready to yell. I am quick to anger, or go on the offense. But, I have learned to hold it down, suppress it until later. It’s hard! Sometimes I just want to blow up and just scream! Today I was ready to lay into someone! If it wasn’t for the fact I had to stream, I probably would have gotten into trouble. PTSD can be a bitch!
 

Breaking Down

When I begin to come down from this insane high adrenaline feeling, it sucks! My body aches, my head hurts and I just feel sad! Like my heart literally feels heavy. The smallest thing now can make me have the urge to cry. But I can’t cry? In my head i hear the voices of stigma. Don’t cry pussy, be a man, don’t be so weak, and so on. So, that sadness now converts to anger. Anger at myself for two reasons. One, for being weak. And two, for allowing myself to fall victim to the stigma that a man can’t show weakness. I don’t believe this, but it is easy to fall down that rabbit hole.

Sorry

I don’t mean to say what I do during these times. Letting my emotions take over, and usually it is the anger speaking. I say what I feel will justify my anger, even if it may not be true. Not sure why or how, but I do. I hate doing this. I hate the way it makes me feel! Know now I am sorry if I ever hurt you. I am sorry for when I may hurt you! But I will always have your back and be the dog in your corner growling the loudest!

 
The End For Now..
This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question.
- MysticMike 

"Living with PTSD, Not Suffering"

 

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