Living With PTSD – Today Was A Good Day!

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

start of my PTSD
My goal for these next few posts, or however many it may take me, is to work through my issues. To relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence. That they will find the courage to do that same and remove their veiled mask of PTSD! #BreakTheStigma
Some may find the following to be graphic or triggering to read. I am being honest and open!
Today was a good day! I woke up around 9am with my sun laying next to me watching tv with his headphones on. Sometimes he can be a handful, but he is always considerate of others when he needs to be. I awoke on the couch though, ready for the day. I had plans, and they involved starting back up my cannabis oil routine.

Midnight Oil

Don’t let the name fool you, you would think, hmmm this sounds like it will knock me out tonight. It is even in a dark blue label, hello screams of nighttime. But no, it’s effects are feelings of being relaxed, happy, uplifted and more focused. And more focused I sure did feel. Right from the get go I was ready to go, I felt restless, for the first time in a long time. And I actually went the entire day without a nap, or even feeling the need for one.
It was amazing!
Now don’t go out and buy this and expect the same results. There are negatives as well, but only a few will experience them. So do you research, I am prescribed this strain from a medical professional.

Let’s Go

I let the dogs out to go to the bathroom, while I got their food ready, 4 dogs 2 types of food. It was routine, they know it, they do it. I like routine, habit from the military that drives my wife crazy. Sometimes I enjoy the company of my dogs to humans, they listen, they sooth without saying a word.
Soon after, my wife and baby girl woke up and came downstairs. I fed, or tried to feed, Ariya, but she wasn’t hungry. So I made some toast and cheese sandwiches, and of course she wanted that, and I did share with her. She knew she could get what she wanted from me. I have a strong connection with her, as strong as I do with my son, and know we will be close for a long time. I hope so!
As per routine, around 11am Ariya became tired, rubbing her eyes, and cranky. One of the dogs would look her way and it was the end of the world. It was nap time, which for me usually meant nap time too. You know, they sleep you sleep right, right?
But this time I wasn’t tired, I was ready to go to my office and finish up. I had a plan, I was going to follow it. My day goal was to finish my office. And I was starting right away!

Fights? Not Today!

It’s in moments like these, days like that that I don’t know why I can’t be this way every day! This is the first day in awhile that I can think of where my wife and I didn’t have an all out fight. Not that we fight everyday balls to the walls, we fight a little more than the normal couple. But we know how to handle it most times due to coping skills we picked up. I don’t always stick to them as much as she does, but it’s those times I go near black into the argument.
But today, was a good day! I did my think in my office while her and the baby napped, and then she did her thing while I watched the baby. Straight up compromise without any push or pull. I wish everyday could be like this. But is it real, or a false sense due to the cannabis?

Without Help

I know there is no way I could go everyday being near high. It isn’t something someone should have to do, to function day to day. I love the way it makes me feel, the way it gives me confidence, and numbs my senses. But I don’t want to live with numb senses. I want to feel again, true feelings. Now one could argue that in this state I am being myself. And this may be true, but I haven’t known myself for so long that it does not seem real to me.
The other negative, is as I come down from the high, the memories, the thoughts, the faces! They come back in full force, which then leads to vaping thc with cbd to be able to fall asleep.
It is a cycle, I can’t say evil as it helps, and it is natural, and it helps!
I wish sometimes the faces would not come to me, wish the dreams would stop. I wish I could fall asleep without help.
The End For Now..
This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question. MysticMike “Living with PTSD, Not Suffering”

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