Living With PTSD – Waiting

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

start of my PTSD
My goal for these next few posts, or however many it may take me, is to work through my issues. To relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence. That they will find the courage to do that same and remove their veiled mask of PTSD! #BreakTheStigma
 
Some may find the following to be graphic or triggering to read. I am being honest and open!
 
I feel myself lately just sitting and waiting. Not really sure what for, but it has me on edge a bit. I started to use my sleep machine again, and added a weighted blanket to the fray. My sleeps have been a little more stable, not as much “movement”. I wake up feeling well rested, but still afraid. The dreams still come, they still feel real, they won’t go away. But, I still wake up, tackle the day best I can, and continue to wait…
 

Over and Over

Lately the dreams have been all sorts of fucked up, pardon my french. They all start out the same, driving through a desert, mountain ranges off to the left while the sun slowly rises. Just shooting the shit with the driver as I keep an eye out for anything suspicious. We make it to our destination with no real issues, when in reality I remember now we drove through a farmer’s field who was extremely pissed. We stopped, offered him money to compensate it, he took it and we continued on. But, this has never shown up in my dreams. No, everything is just a ray of sunshine.
 
We set up our camp for the night, should be there for no more than two days they think. Well, it feels like forever! Time slows down, everything between setting up and the, incident, is just a blur of randomness. None of it makes any sense? That is when the demons appear.
 

Demons

Ever have that one dream where you can’t make out the face of someone. It looks like a scrambled and fuzzy blur of nothing. You can almost make it out but it just escapes you at the last minute. Those are my demons, whom visit me almost nightly. When they appear I know things are going to play out a little differently. I wish I had better control of my sleep, and could just force myself up at this moment. But of course, I am dreaming and it feels all too real! I am there, it is happening, there is nothing I can do to stop it, until the trigger is pulled. I must wait till that moment that changed everything for me. 

Who?

I was asked by my Dr, why I am angry with the military and not the villagers who sent the child our way. Honestly, I could not answer her. I should be just as mad, if not more! But I wasn’t! I may have different beliefs compared to others, or whatever. I like to think of myself as a protector of those weaker than myself. When I joined the military I thought I could do this on a bigger level. Was told we keep peace, shown the photos of soldiers with kids and families overseas helping with a fence or whatever nonsense they made.

I want to make a difference! Truely want to say I saved someone somehow. Now I am not naive, I know what war is, was before I joined. I was just fed some grade A BS from the recruitment office. 

I didn’t want to kill anyone. Especially someone so innocent!

 
The End For Now..
This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question.
- MysticMike 

"Living with PTSD, Not Suffering"

 


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