My PTSD – 2 Can you help?

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

start of my PTSD
My goal for these next few posts, or but many it may take me, is to work through my issues. To relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence. That they will find the courage to do that same and remove their veiled mask of PTSD! #BreakTheStigma
 
Some may find the following to be graphic or triggering to read. I am being honest and open!
 
Every night before bed, I say bed but I sleep on the couch, I tell myself tomorrow, tomorrow will be different. I will wake up, be the husband my wife deserves. Be the father my children need. I will look my demons in the eyes and tell them they have no effect on me anymore!
 
This is what I tell myself every night, before I fall asleep and my demons take control.
 

P – Praying for Change

I used to pray when I was in Afghanistan. Every night I would ask God to look over me and my brothers/sisters in arms. That he would guide me on my journey to find myself. To allow me to come to terms with what I had done.
 
I prayed! But heard nothing in return.
 
I want to believe there is a God! A higher being that looks over us all, and protects us. yet, at the same time it scares me to think there may not be one.
 
I pray before I face my demons in my head!
 

T – Tired

I am so tired! Tired of waiting for something to click, and make me feel normal again. Now I know normal is a relative term. What is normal? What is abnormal? But at the end of the day, I know when I lay my head down. I am not normal. I am not unique either.
 
Simply put, I am f*cked up!
 
Plain and simple, I know my brain is not functioning right at all. No normal person should be afraid to close their eyes. Should have to wake up in the middle of the night to “patrol” their house.
 
I am tired!
 
 

S – So Now What?

So now what right? What do I do? If I was being honest, since starting to put my thoughts, and journey out there on the internet. I have been feeling a little bit of relief. Like, I can be myself, or at least a part of who I was.
 
I don’t expect to come out of this journey as the same person I was. It would not be possible. That version of me does not exist anymore. And, I am ok with that. All the experiences I had, the people I met, places I have been, have changed me for the better.
 
But this new veiled version of myself is a lie. It is so easy to get behind a camera and put on a smile. I love everyone who shows up or interacts with me day to day. I will never, or would never want to dump my issues on to them. It is not fair to them, or myself. But, if someone was to ask, I would talk to them.
 
So, Now What?
 

D – Do It!

I need to do it! Wake up, kick my demon’s ass, and start the day strong. Help my wife and family with everything they need. Call my mother, my brother, make those connections again. Contact old friends, go to the gym and go out more.
 
It is so easy for me to sit here and type that out. But when I awake for the final time to start my day. I become scared. I become afraid that it is too late. My demon whispers in my ear,
 
Not today Michael, tomorrow perhaps? ha ha
 
I try to shrug it off, swat at him! He is however persistent in his control of me. I become tired in my fighting. Giving in.
 
Need to stand up to my demons. But I don’t know how!
 
I just need to do it?
 
 
The End For Now..

This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question.

Peace and Love 
- MysticMike
"Living with PTSD, Not Suffering"

 

 

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