My PTSD 3 – Pills Make The World Go Round!

PTSD - The joys of drugs?

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

start of my PTSD
My goal for these next few posts, or but many it may take me, is to work through my issues. To relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence. That they will find the courage to do that same and remove their veiled mask of PTSD! #BreakTheStigma
 
Some may find the following to be graphic or triggering to read. I am being honest and open!
 
I searched for ways to heal myself, to move on and make things better. I tried the gym, yeah it was okay for a while. Next up was drinking. Now, I was by no means a heavy drinker, but I often would sit alone at night and have a drink or so. I wasn’t so much drinking to forget, but more so to fall asleep. But, the challenge was finding that sweet spot. Too much and then it is a sh*tty sleep mixed with a hangover. Not enough, well now you’re blah.
 
I swore I would never take medication for my PTSD!
 
I Swore!
 

P – Promise of help

I tried everything to help. But after going through my third doctor, I knew I had to change things up. I gave in. I went to the OSI Clinic and asked about medication to un-f*ck me. They asked me what was wrong, had me fill out some forms and told me they would put me on the wait-list for a re-evaluation. That was in January of 2017. I continued to see my then doctor for another two sessions before giving up.
 
I felt lost during that time. I had recently stopped working due to my injuries and ongoing PTSD. I tried once again to push myself at the gym, but more often than not, I found myself leaving there angry and pissed! So I quit that, and started staying up late, sleeping all day while my wife worked. Rinse and repeat.
 
Finally, the OSI clinic contacted me and advised me of a time and date. Upon showing up I met an amazing doctor who sat me down and explained what was going to happen. I was to go through a series of tests to determine my level of, at that time they had only diagnosed me with PDD, or Persistent Depressive Disorder. I did their tests, no matter how random they seemed to me. After about 2 or so hours, she told me we had finished and they would contact me once they went over the results.
 

T – The Truth

I remember wondering why it was taking so long to hear back. Did the results come in and they are going to tell me, “Dude your faking, everything is fine!“? I mean to me at the time, these people worked for the military, and the military did not want to admit it f*cked you up.
 
I called to see if they had anything yet after about a month. They told me they were still going over the results and writing up their diagnosis. I hung up with the promise they would contact me within two weeks and if not to call back.
 
Two weeks went by and the phone rang, talk about cutting it close with someone with PTSD. They gave me a time and date to come in for the results. I was ready to hear the worst news, but prepared to get the truth!
 
I was ready for the TRUTH!
 
 

S – So F*cked Up?

I went in that morning, always aimed to be there between 10am and noon. If there was less traffic on the roads I wouldn’t have ended up there wound up so tight to start. So, I sat down with the doctor and she handed me, what looked like a small novel, of my results. We then went over them, under the new DSM-5 I had severe PTSD, with anxiety along with PDD. I was also diagnosed with binge eating disorder and was borderline bipolar.
 
It was a lot to take in! I mean PTSD, I knew. I felt it. But the rest, yeah I guess? Once she explained them to me, and what symptoms I portrayed, yeah I guess I saw it. Who was I to argue, she was the doctor, I was the f*cked up one!
 
At least that is how it read to me!
 
So F*cked Up Was I!
 

D – Drugs!

She had asked me what I wanted to do first. There was, of course, a waiting list for 1 on 1 therapy, so she could set me up on a medication plan until I could get in. We talked about my options, what did what, which one would not go well with my cannabis for pain. Turns out it’s all them!? I’ve had more sleep filled nights with THC/CBD oils, than any sleeping pill did! Promise!
 
I started on this one drug, can’t even remember the name at the time, but we started out on the smallest dosage. After about a month, and no changes on my scores, we moved up to the max dosage.
 
Still nothing. 
Only anger, sadness and guilt!
 
We tried another variant of it, still nothing. The next step was to add another medication to amplify the first. We started to see a drop in my scores, but a raise in my weight. I gained 30 pounds in under a month. This of course made me self conscious, which then triggered me.
 
We stopped that, and started a similar one but without the weight gain. After about a month my scores had dropped a lot, I was on the down trend to having things under control.
 
At least I thought so at the time…
 
 
The End For Now..
This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question.
Peace and Love 
- MysticMike 
"Living with PTSD, Not Suffering"

 

 

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