My PTSD – 1 I am Sorry!

PTSD acronym Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

This is the story of my PTSD through my eyes, and how I try to live with it daily. I am also sharing what I have gone through #BreakTheStigma

  I have heard it all before, people not in the know trying to help. But, it happened so long ago why does it bother you now? Nothing you can do about it, might as well move on. Even the ones from the people in the know who are just ignorant or assholes! Oh suck it up and move on! Don’t be a pussy. Get the sand out your vagina. Yes this was a very popular one among the ranks in the military. Everyone had to put on that tough guy “I’m not weak” mentality! So, rather than admit their issues, or faults, it was easier to give shit to those who were trying to seek help.

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

start of my PTSD

P – Pulling down

I’ll be the first to admit, I once acted tough, badass look at me I am man hear me roar. I was right there with the ignorants or assholes. And for that I Apologize  from the depths of my heart and soul. Being young, dumb and full of drugs and alcohol because it is easier to numb rather than face things head on. Always trying to one up the next guy, the new guy, the old guy. Seeking out fights just to release anger. Almost losing it all on more than one occasion.

It was just easier to pull you down with the others, than face my own shit!


T – Taking Toll

The choices we tend to make during these times do nothing but take a toll on those we love. I was lost, for a long time! I had no clue what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, or who I wanted to be. And honestly, if it was even worth it to find out! Then, my son came along. He was the first thing in my life that seemed to give me purpose in a LONG time! I felt like I could take on the world and f*ck shit up. But, I still continued to play the tough guy act. Peer pressure is real, and even worse in the ranks. I know, not an excuse. But, it was what it was!

I started working out, got into the best shape I had been in, in a long time! Was working on courses training new troops, was a Section 2nd and then IC, in command. Things were looking great! Then I hurt my shoulders. 

                                                          Then I was the pussy!

Every choice you make has a toll, and karmas a bitch!

PTSD through my eyes!


S – Seeking

It was now that I began seeking answers even more. I decided to look into religion, but I wasn’t ready yet. So I sought help with the base therapist, but they were no better than the guys in the ranks. Once I had explained to my doctor that I was breaking down in tears over commercials with children in them if it had any hint of sadness! Have you ever cried over a commercial about toilet paper!? Well, according to him, it was just part of growing up and starting a family.

uh huh

Of course who doesn’t grow up, start a family and start crying at nothing and everything?!

D – Demons

I am haunted daily and nightly with my demons! Some nights I can’t close my eyes without seeing that, child. I hate to say “that child‘! It sounds so insincere! But I had acted like it was nothing, and that it was the coolest thing I had ever seen, the head exploding, the brains everywhere. But I never mentioned to them as I told it that it was a child. So after a while, you start to dehumanize the victim. 

I still have so much shame and guilt from that moment. I know at the time I was doing what I was ordered, and with the given intelligence and circumstances, we were in a state of it was him or us. None of us wanted to die there!

                                                              So he had to. 

He gave his life, so we could have our life. Or so I thought as I pulled the trigger!

My PTSD through my eyes

This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question.

Peace and Love


“Living with PTSD, Not Suffering”



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