The Cause To The Start Of My PTSD!

Living With PTSD
Farmers Fields

My goal for these next few posts, or however many it may take me, is to hopefully work through my issues! I hope to relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence and that they will find the courage to do that same! #BreakTheStigma


The following I would say was definitely the start of my PTSD! Some may find the following to be graphic and hard to read. I am just being honest and open!


I felt like I had just closed my eyes, when the driver of the vehicle woke me up as there was a commotion outside the Laager! I jumped up quickly and threw on my gear, quickly pissed then jumped up front to see what was going on. It seemed for the second time that night, a local had wandered into the Laager. Currently he was being put into the back of a G-Wagon or perhaps a Nyala, a lot of these events are a blur to me, but slowly come and go with some sort of clarity. After the commotion seemed to die down, I decided to catch a few more hours of sleep. 

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

start of my PTSD

Thank You For Beans And Weiners!

Upon waking, my driver handed me a ration pack he was able to grab for me, thank god it wasn’t eggs and sausage, THE WORST! No, thankfully it was beans and wieners, not the best sounding, but the better of the breakfast options. We sat eating, watching as the routine around camp quickly became a flurry of people eating, field washing, setting up makeshift areas to, well, relieve yourself. Just before lunch the SGT advised us that recce platoon was going to head out to scout out two potential areas for a new FOB, and that myself and the other Infantry left behind would be camp security under himself, and too meet at the lead LAV to receive orders. 

I was on my way over shortly, after gearing up and grabbing a few things to snack on. The SGT had put myself and the other soldier from out group together for the day. Most of the day was uneventful, Recce platoon returned having only been able to go to one of the sites, we were told to prepare for a 2nd night. Recce was to leave again the next day but as early as possible so as to be able to return to MSG before night fall of the next day.

Too Real

As I’m putting together in my head the words, or even where to start on this next part, my stomach is turning, my head hurts, and I just feel confused. I can close my eyes and see the events of that morning unfold over and over. I ask myself everyday, if things could have gone differently? I know the answer to that is always going to be NO, but part of me still runs different scenarios through my head. Which could be a reason why I have such a hard time letting go of things now a days. When certain events happen to this day, I find myself reliving it, going through every possible scenario that I could have done differently. I usually have a feeling of regret and shame with how I conducted myself during these times, even if what I did was the right thing.

It’s hard to go through life, with shame and guilt. You doubt your every choice, question your every move. There are days when I tell my wife how I handled something, and she will say how proud she is with me keeping my calm, but I will still go over and over it, wishing I had lost my cool. I don’t know why, I don’t want to do anything to hurt anyone, I don’t want to risk jail or worse. But, there are days that I just feel like I need to release all my anger, guilt, and shame.

start of my PTSD

Third Times A Death!

That next morning as Recce platoon was getting ready to roll out, myself and, let’s call them Joe, were first up to keep watch around the camp. We were maybe on shift 30, or 45 minutes when we heard the voice on the radio, “…one lone fighting age male approaching the Laager…”, in the distance two other males on bikes could be seen on phones and watching the whole thing unfold. The SGT quickly called us over and himself, the two of us and one other geared up and prepared to confront the individual.

As we approached him, the SGT gave some warnings for the person to turn around and head back to the village. However, the individual seemed to be not of a proper state of mind! Our first thoughts were he was high on opium, which was sometimes a sign of a suicide bomber! The SGT then began to fire off Pen Flares towards him as a warning and in hopes to scare him. Of course the way he was acting, this did nothing but cause him to act very weird. 

He began doing karate moves, yelling and eating sand.

Still he continued towards us. 

It was then the SGT advised received permission over the radio to fire a warning shot with his pistol, and we were given the okay to open fire if needs be. It was then it came over the radio, “Two individuals in the distance have begun to turn around and leave…”! What did this mean? Why were they leaving? All these things ran through my head. Were they going for cover, to get others, or just leaving bored with the scene?

The SGT let off two shots near the, what at that moment I was thinking deranged person, it was then he began to charge at us full tilt…

I can still hear the SGT yelling…


The next, what felt like forever, few seconds were just a blur! I watched as the individual began to fall forward, with blood splatter on the sand, and spraying in the air around him. Then as he fell head towards me, almost as he was looking right at me, his head just EXPLODED and there was a mess all around his lifeless body. 

What’s That Smell?!

I can still smell the gunpowder from my weapon, and urine. I had pissed myself? Why? When? I felt so weak in that moment! I had knelt down to put some sand on the areas wet and passed it off as sweat. Hell it was hot as ball out, it was believable. Right? At first I couldn’t remember if I fired my weapon. I had told people I didn’t fire a shot, as when it took place I was watching outwards to the people on the hill. I had wanted this to be true, that I had made myself believe this! It wasn’t until someone showed me footage of it, and I seen myself firing that I knew otherwise.

Why did I want to forget this so badly! Why did I want to believe I did not fire a shot, that nothing from my direction was responsible for the death of this…..


The End For Now..

This is where I am going to stop for now, but it is just the start! I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question. Peace and Love


“Living with PTSD, Not Suffering”



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