Tanks Rolling, PTSD Growing.

My goal for these next few posts, or however many it may take me, is to hopefully work through my issues! I hope to relive and sort out what happened and share my story along the way. I also hope that I can help others living with any level of PTSD in silence and that they will find the courage to do that same! #BreakTheStigma


So, as we settled in after the rocket attack, we were able to catch another hour or so of sleep. I remember laying there, my heart slowly going back to my normal rate. I knew I had to sleep, we were heading out soon for a few days. However, I just couldn’t bring myself to close my eyes and sleep. I just lay there waiting for the others to stir.

Learning To Live with my PTSD!

Living with PTSD

Tanks Rolling!

After what felt like forever, the others began to wake up and get ready for the day. After being in country for a little over a week, I found myself cold, even though it was +20 outside. I began to dress, chat with the others and we made light of the night’s events. We then headed out to meet our drivers. Our task was to do security for the drivers of the transport vehicles. I met my driver, he was a pretty good dude, we hit it off right away. But to this day I have no clue what his name was, most of this event is blank to me, but as I type and force myself to think of these things, more and more comes back. I remember loading up the truck, helping the drivers and others get ready as we awaited the orders to roll out.
On The Road…
After finally getting orders to roll out, all the drivers, tanks, LAVs and other vehicles lined up and were giving orders over the radio. “100 meter spacing at all times, report any suspicious person you see, …” and more. After what again felt like forever we finally rolled out. I have to say it was such a cool sight to see, I pulled out my camera to snap a few photos. It wasn’t quite light out yet, so we were equipped with NVGs to keep an eye out. It was definitely dark as f**k out at this time, but the sun seemed to come up quickly enough. We headed down the road, over the river, and down towards a another FOB no more than probably 1-2 KM from MSG. It was known as Camp Wilson to us, named after a soldier who had died in the area. Warnings came over the radio “We just got reports of radio chatter marking our movements, we will be rerouting from our original plan...”. My heart sank a little, I mean we were a convoy of close to 50 Vehicles, would they really attempt an attack? I think the scariest thoughts were culverts, every time we drove over one you just hold your breath pucker your asshole and pray. I’ll say this, I was never a huge religious person, but as tour went on, I always kept a mini bible in my left breast pocket. Every night I would also listen to the bible on cd. I found it very calming and just fulfilling. But, I always felt as if some entity was watching over me.
Here We Go
As we approached Camp Wilson we were told over the radio that we would be making a quick stop in before heading out. We all went into the camp, lined the vehicles up in proper order and then we headed back out. As we had about an hour of waiting here, my driver and I decided to head to the camp kitchen and grab some food for the road. They had these little Häagen-Dazs ice creams that were just heaven. They were so good and hit the spot no matter what time of day. I remember we had told one of our friends that they were very high in protein and would be amazing for making gains in the gym. He would eat nothing but those ice creams, 5-7 a day. Finally he complained about gaining weight and not muscle wise. Then I remember one of our high ups just, “Well if ya didn’t eat everything but ice cream all day ya wouldn’t be this way, those things are filled with nothing but lard.“! We all broke out in laughter, while him and the higher up look dumbfounded. But, this is not part of this story, we rolled out and began to head east down the highway road.
Hard Right!
We drove down the highway for maybe 15-20 kms when over the radio the order came “Hard right, hard right!” ! I watched as the lead vehicle turned right and all vehicles followed suit as we drove through a farmers field. Once we got through, we came to a halt as the lead vehicle approached a house at the end of the field. He talked with the farm for a few moments, handed him some papers and we continued on. I learnt later he was paying him for us ruining his crops and fields. I thought that was pretty cool, you see in the movies they tear sh!t up and just keep going. Glad to see that was not the case. We headed out for another 8 hours or so, and as the sun started to set, the orders came over the radio to setup a Laager and make camp for the night. The sentry duty list was passed around, giving myself a shift in the early mornings. I basically had to walk around the laager and report in every 15 minutes. It was, boring. But, it lead to a lot.
The End For Now..

I don’t know what else to say right now, other than remember you do not have to live in silence with any form of PTSD! This is where I am going to stop for now. It feels good to write this out, even though it kills my stomach and makes me want to almost puke. Thank you for listening. I hope this made sense. Feel free to comment if you want clarity on something or have a question.

Peace and Love


“Living with PTSD, Not Suffering”

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